If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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