Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
