Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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