I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
