I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
