god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
