She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
