Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
