i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
