he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
