PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I yelled at your uterus for you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
