what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
