I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
