So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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