Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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