I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
