I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
