You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
