Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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