She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
