you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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