I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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