I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
