i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
