Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's the barista slut.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
