I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
