The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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