You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
