i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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