I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
