you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
from now on my penis is your penis
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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