i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
