too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
