The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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