3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
