you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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