My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
