Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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