I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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