Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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