sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
