Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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