The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
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