He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
