so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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