haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
