I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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