when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
