I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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