I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My balls are so social today.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
