twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
